The Stubfart Gourmet: Filthie’s Floodies

Awhile back I was playing with retireMINT ideas and decided I wanted to be a cook on an aircraft carrier. They feed 5000 guys at a time, make bread dough in a cement mixer… it’s AWESOME. How hard could it be? Pete F pulled some strings and got me an interview with the Admiral and I passed with flying colours.

“Can ya cook, Filthie?”

“No sir!”

“Are you an American, Filthie?”

“No sir.”

“Where did you meet Pete?”

“Can’t remember sir… it was either in the brig or at the cat house…”

“No problem, Filthie! You’ve obviously got the Right Stuff! You’re hired! And pass along my disregards to Pete next time you see him! Report to the USS Hairy Truman! On the double!!!”

“Yes sir!”

Welp - I set foot on the deck, the whole boat listed to the left, and a couple of fighter planes rolled off the runway and fell in the drink. I was too heavy for the boat and fired on the spot! Some twaddle about sailors can’t weigh more than the boat or something.

 Assholes.

But… I am undeterred! Those damned squids will rue the day they turned me away! I’ve decided to resume my cooking career. Today is perfect, it’s cool and rainy and both me and Hannah need a recovery day. We’ve been putting on some long miles lately. Just the day for some cooking!

Bacon Floodies, eh? 

🤨

Why not?

First I had to learn to make smashed potatoes. That was pretty easy… mine came out alright.

Worthy of a 5 star chef, if I do say so myself! 😎👍

Mix up the batter…

Fry up the bacon! All mission parameters nominal!

We are all systems GO for the final burn!

Oh no!!! Houston…we have a problem!!!

For some reason the Floodies didn’t fry up properly… WTF?!? These aren’t posh Floodies!!! They look like chit!

🤢🤮🤢

I did up a couple of soft boiled eggs and they tasted alright. I suppose if you’re an Englishman or a Billy goat you could put HP on them - but I woudn’t. Mine just looked like hell.

They’re actually not bad. But I don’t think these are as simple and easy as the chef in the video says they are … but whadda I know?

I think I still might make a go as a military cook… but on a submarine, maybe? HAR HAR HAR!!!

😂👍

I just about did it! A real cook like you will probably have better luck than I did. If you’re going to try it let me know how ya made out…

Cheers!

Filthie